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This week, heartlanders thumbed through the transcripts from special counsel Robert Hur’s deposition of President Joe Biden. Insults flew far and wide between two Congresswomen who couldn’t – or wouldn’t – understand Robert’s Rules of Order. Oh, and your dog is probably gay – but that’s okay.
The Best of Biden
Transcripts of the Biden-Hur two-day interview were released – and they didn’t disappoint. As one might expect, moments of jocularity peppered the inane conversation and tended to detour into and through the ditch, along with the president’s mental acuity. One memorable snippet came about when the subject of classified documents in the garage came up. Biden bebopped to his love of electric vehicles, his storied Corvette, and an SUV while making “vroom vroom” sounds:
Biden: “You know, think about this. You had one of those big four-by-fours, the — I think it’s a Ford Bronco, whatever it is. Zero to sixty in four six.”
Hur: “That’s fast.”
Biden: “Yeah. By the way, you know how it works?”
Hur: “Sir, I’d love — I would love to hear much more about this, but I do have a few more questions to get through.”
Biden: “You can take 30 seconds, but you put your foot on the brake, you hit, you hit a button that’s in the — and it says ‘launch.’ You step your foot on the accelerator all the way down until it gets to about six, seven grand. Then all of a sudden, it will say ‘launch.’ All you do is take your foot off the brake …”
Then, as the transcript explains, the president made a zoomy car sound.
From Westminster, CO, Mike Maher observed: “Joe Biden is a potato.”
Other high points included Dr. Jill in a bathing suit and a reference to a nursery rhyme from the 1700s to describe his daily briefings: “I’d sit with my national security team, and say we should follow up on this, find out more about whether or not, you know, who killed Cock Robin, you know, and find out.” No, we don’t know; no one gets that reference.
The Official Record: Girls Gone Wild
The congressional playground saw snarky sparring between Reps. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) during a House Oversight Committee hearing on holding Attorney General Merrick Garland in contempt of Congress. The spicy three-letter-girls went at it, hurling insults and throwing down challenges as Chairman James Comer (R-KY) tried his best to understand what was happening, claiming, “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I have two hearing aids. I’m very deaf. I’m not understanding.”
MTG commented on Rep. Jasmine Crockett’s (D-TX) fake eyelashes. No one knows why this happened, but Crockett started to yell, dropping some salty cuss words. AOC got involved, insulting Greene’s physical appearance as well, and saying things like, “Oh girl, oh baby girl, don’t even play.” MTG mockingly replied: “Oh really, baby girl?”
“This was embarrassing for everyone who watched,” said Linda Miles Howard in Las Vegas.
In Perry, GA, Betty Johnpierre stood by MTG: “Tell Miss Crockett to go flap her eyelashes at someone else. I mean, these same women cause a ruckus at every meeting. Strike them to not appear in the room.”
“Both MTG and Jasmine Crockett are a couple of dingleberries,” said Dan Fredrickson of Madison, WI. “Then, another dingleberry, AOC, chimes in?”
Well, it was rumored there had been some day drinking before the hearing, so, there’s that.
A Wilder Kingdom
NBC is exploring the LGBTQ+ sexual behaviors in nature for a documentary special called Queer Planet. There is no better way to celebrate Pride Month than to throw a bunch of critters under the woke bus to normalize the 1%.
The special will be narrated by Andrew Rannells, who will highlight queer relationships in the animal kingdom. “We’ve all heard of gay penguins, but this film really opened my eyes to the full spectrum of LGBTQ+ behaviors across the natural world,” Rannells said, according to IndieWire. “And what could be more natural than being who you are? I’m excited to be part of ‘Queer Planet,’ especially during Pride Month, and on Peacock, surely the most colorful and glamorous of all the streaming services.”
In Saratoga Springs, UT, Robert Taylor remarked: “Progressives look for anything to justify this nonsense. Being gay is one thing, but everything beyond the LG in the alphabet soup of crazy is maladaptive.”
Champ Van Curren in Attica, IN, just laughed out loud at the invite to watch the documentary, saying: “Two-by-two got on the ark. This is how a species survives. I know my dogs are straight. The cat down the block, though, seems sketchy.”
