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Talk of the solar eclipse dominated most conversations across America, though somehow the talk of Monday’s event became more political than scientific. Can you imagine? But a darkened daytime sky isn’t the only phenomena occurring this election year: Former President Trump came out on top in the polls, Joe Biden was declared king of March fundraising, and everyone seems to blame Robert F. Kennedy Jr. for skewing the curve.
Trump Eclipses Biden
Rasmussen Reports released a new poll giving gloating rights to Trump, who still leads Biden at 49% to 41% in support. That number is diluted a few points when you add the Kennedy, giving 44% to Trump, 38% to Biden, and 10% to Bobby. Kennedy is creeping on both dominant parties, and panic is beginning to creep in as well – especially among Democrats.
But rather than worrying about the scion of the Kennedy clan, the DNC should look at the demographics: The oldest president ever currently only has 48% of the black vote, while Trump is sneaking in at 39%. Number 45 smokes 46 when it comes to the Hispanic vote, though, 48% to 37%.
Oh, and even among the 18-39 demographic – so easily turned away by mean-texting, Israeli rooting, and actual work – Biden is up only by a single point: 43% to 42%. You don’t have to guess why RFK Jr’s anti-war stance will skew the curve – and it won’t be in Biden’s favor.
As Texan David Gough wrote: “Let’s go Brandon.”
Biden Eclipses Trump
“It’s all about the Benjamins,” claimed one bent-out-of-shape progressive who shall remain nameless. But her words sure ring true in the year’s crazy election for a president. The Joe Biden campaign bleated like a giant sheep over raking in more than $26 million in a one very long day with the rich and famous folks at Radio City Music Hall. Overall, that put the current president at a cool $90 million for March. Susan Ellis in Scottsdale conceded: “Well, of course. They got their kickbacks from Ukraine.”
But with the help of the RNC and the Trump campaign, the Donald came in with a $40 million day –because he just had to one-up the frail and angry Irishman.
So, Trump won the undeclared competition with bragging rights, but his March total haul was not that impressive, $65.6 million. One heartlander in Wisconsin pointed out the obvious. “The party for the poor,” said Hayward resident Tom Keith, “Right–More like the party for the spoiled rotten snobs.”
The Eclipse Enables Conspiracies and Corporations
NASA estimates 31.6 million people live inside the path of totality, where the total solar eclipse will darken skies and freak some people into believing that Armageddon has arrived. An additional 150 million people are in the partial path spanning Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Missouri, Illinois, Kentucky, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, and Maine. There will be crazies amongst us – mostly fueled by TikTok, of course – who will believe oddball things, like someone will open a demonic portal or the world will go totally dark for days. Don’t worry; none of that will occur.
But God bless the American ingenuity of making the most of a cosmic event: The media is issuing dire health and welfare warnings. The New York Times listed possible eclipse injuries like frying your eyeballs. Prisons are reportedly on lockdown, lest things get too crazy behind bars. Some states are declaring emergencies ahead of time, and the Arkansas Department of Transportation beseeches drivers not to attempt to view the eclipse from the road or wear eclipse glasses while driving. But at least food and beverage brands are selling commemorative products for our enjoyment at the astrological moment – and tee-shirts abound.
Eclipse is Greek for “abandonment.” Back in the day, they caused all sorts of unusual actions. In 585 BC, the Medes and the Lydians were at war. Six days into battle, there was a solar eclipse, and both sides decided to please the gods and knock off the bad behavior, thus ending the war, if only temporarily.
Alex Jones even went all in, claiming that “elites” will use the eclipse to enslave all of humanity and sway the 2024 election. All in two hours? I can’t see it. In Morgantown, WV, John Gentry had a great idea to ward off all potential disasters from the eclipse: “We could sacrifice some virgins?”
Regardless of the conspiracy theorists, both sides of a nation divided are hoping for a total eclipse of the other. But who will be in the path of totality?
